While walking the dog with my daughter, I almost asked the woman petting our dog who works at the hair salon across the street from our apartment what was the intense synthetic oakmoss, musk, and wood scent she was wearing. After deciding that would be weird, we continued on our walk. A block later, I realized that scent was inside my mask! After a few tester breaths, I decided that the oakmoss was not inside my mouth. I remained confused for the rest of my walk.

When I returned to our apartment, I discovered that in addition to my mask, our apartment smelled of this forest sex party gone wrong. So began a rigorous search of our home. I needed to know if I had inadvertently let this beast out. Shameful thoughts of the time I allowed a 2ml bottle of oakmoss absolute turn over in its bain marie swirled around my forebrain.

After smelling every square foot of our home, I realized that the scent was coming from our air vents . . . from our neighbors. My mask smelled because it was hanging below an air vent. We opened all the windows, turned the fans on, still this horrible smell. I wavered for a while, but decided to do some investigation. Mask in hand (I needed to be able to smell), I walked slowly through the hallway. Nothing next door, but perhaps she was sending everything to our vents. As I walked, it became apparent that this walk would fail. Bad candle smells were emanating from all around me, spiced fruit, spiced pumpkin, tree spice. I retreated to the sexy forest smell of my apartment.

So began my rumination on bad candles. Some guidelines to help you survive the holiday season:

1. If a candle has an evocative, holiday-appropriate name, like “Joy,” don’t buy it

2. If the candle is “seasonal,” don’t buy it

3. If you can smell the candle from arm’s length without lighting it, don’t buy it

4. If the candle is anything but colorless, don’t buy it

5. If you are anywhere but a candle store (ok perfume/body store), don’t buy it

6. If you have a candle and wonder whether the smell is too strong for your neighbors, blow it out

7. If you have a candle that you purchased for its “seasonal” appeal and you have roommates, blow it out

8. If you liked the scent of a candle when you lit it, but can no longer smell it, blow it out

9. If you are feeling any remorse after reading this, put the candle in a gift bag and give it to someone you like